Nobody ever said that relationships were easy. In fact, they can be really hard. Each person brings with them a past that may have scarred them. From former relationships to childhood trauma, it is common for these things to interfere with a relationship. And, unfortunately, there is no definitive guide to teach you how to be successful in a relationship.
Cultural influences do not help matters, either. From early ages, we are taught to romanticize love, as if it is a fairytale. To find the explosive arguments that lead to tears somehow sentimental and romantic. We are taught to objectify our partners, as if they were a prize to be won, not something worth fighting for.
Because so much of a relationship is trial and error, there may be toxic patterns that take place. There are toxic patterns that are big red flags that everyone knows of, such as cheating or abuse. What many people are surprised to hear is that there are toxic relationship habits that considered to be normal.
Keeping Score
You know that mental list you keep on each other? The one that says, “They made these xyz mistakes, so they owe me?” list? Yeah, throw this out and let it go. This is one of the most toxic ways to handle a relationship. Even long after the subject has been closed, or forgiven, one partner may think everything is settled. Meanwhile, the other one is keeping score and tallying it up. The “points” on these lists are often the ones that come up in heated arguments. Or petty little comments that slip out of your mouth when you feel as if you need to defend yourself.
It is not normal to say all is forgiven, yet use it against your partner when you feel as if the timing is right. We often throw past mistakes around to justify our current situation and why we were right in doing so. If you can’t let something go, then have a conversation about it. Let’s call it even and resent the scoreboard.
Passive-Aggressiveness
Sometimes, we don’t know how to express ourselves. So instead of trying our best, we may communicate in a passive-aggressive manner. Hoping our partner gets the hint, we make snide comments hoping they will understand.
This is a sign of a toxic relationship where you don’t know how to truly be open with each other. You should never feel insecure about opening up to your partner about something that upset you or made you angry. The most successful relationships are the ones where both partners know how to communicate their thoughts and feelings to one another.
Threatening The Validity Of The Relationship
You’re partner has been really busy lately. It seems as if there is little time for just you and them. Instead of expressing how you feel by saying, “Can we please try to make more time together?” you may have a different tone. You may say, “I can’t be with someone who never spends time with me.”
While the intention is the same behind both, they communicate very different things. The first is effectively communicating that you are unhappy with never seeing them. The second basically says, “Hey, this needs to change or else, I’m out.”
And while certain things may warrant that stance, not everything does. You shouldn’t have to threaten to end the relationship just to get your point across of what you need.
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If you believe that you are contributing to some toxic behaviors in your relationship, it is never too late to begin correcting them. Relationship counseling can help you overcome toxicity in a relationship and create a stronger connection between the two of you. Contact us today to get started.
